Reflecting on Realities and Intentions
As most people do at the end of one year and the beginning of another, they reflect on events that have taken place over the last 365 days. I’m not sure if this year seemed particularly momentous with it marking the end of a decade, but I did a little more reflecting than usual.
It was an incredible year we traveled to Paris, Amsterdam, Madrid, Germany, London, and Vienna and those were only the trips out of the country. I watched my youngest take his first steps, turn 2, and start to have words and communicate. I got to experience the joy of learning new skills with my oldest as he started t-ball and piano.
This is backtracking a bit but bare with me…struggling with postpartum after Roderick was born, I vowed to myself I wouldn’t let that happen a second time. The first time around I was selfless to a fault and felt enormous amounts of guilt if I left him for any amount of time, so hitting the gym or taking a shower, or anything for me at all forget about it. I had natural births with both boys, nursed them both, and truly appreciated my body for all it had given. It seemed that “me” time associated with being healthy wasn’t a “selfish” hobby, so as soon as I got clearance after Win was born I hit the gym.
I’m not a super petite person, I’m taller than average and have never worn a zero, mayyyybe a 2 when I was in High School or early college. I’ve always been conscious of my weight and appearance but it’s never been something that defines me. I remember growing up watching America’s Next Top Model and my mom asking if I wanted to be a model but just dismissing it thinking I could never physically have what it takes.
It started out innocent enough, wanting to get my pre-baby body back and have some time at the gym that was all my own. I wouldn’t listen to music just go do my thing before I had to be back to nurse Winnie. The weight started coming off and I started looking and feeling like my old self again. People started commenting on how I looked so great but little did I know it was feeding an eating disorder I didn’t know I had.
It still shocks me to even write this, it’s hard for me to even believe, in many ways embarrassing. I never struggled with anorexia or other body image disorders throughout my teens, but as a thirty something woman?!?!?! The more my weight went down the more compliments I would receive and it was just fueling the fire. No one knew, I hid it pretty well but I also avoided getting together with people over food or drinks. And when I stopped getting my period for multiple months in a row I was more worried that I somehow got pregnant again than what my body was really telling me.
So, this is a very long winded way of explaining why momraderie? Why now? To have a place to share the things I enjoy. Motherhood can be so unbelievably isolating even though you’re surrounded by little beings that need you all day. I wanted to create support that I didn’t have when I needed it – a safe friendly community empowering women to share their stories. I’ve always wanted to start a blog but have told myself, “no one cares”, or “who would read it anyway?” So, here we are, the beginning of a new decade and upon reflecting, being creative and sharing with others makes me the happiest. I’ve created this space to share things that give my days a little sparkle and I hope they will encourage you to share yours too.